To Someone Who Will Never Read This

Sometimes... I forget what an awful person I can be...

I hadn't thought about him in a while, but just now I had a really bad dream and he was in it. Normally, I would just disregard a dream, but this one made me realize something.

I will probably never apologize directly to my ex-boyfriend because there is no way I can ever look him in the eye again, but the truth is, I'm really sorry for the way I treated him. And not just the way I treated him, but also the way I treated myself. I acted very much like an object for everyone, reveling in the attention - except when it came to his feelings.

At the time, I couldn't deal with a relationship... and I should've warned him before I said yes, but I didn't. It's not entirely my fault, I think he couldn't deal with it either, but that just means neither of us should've been together. We should've waited until that infatuation passed, and then just continue on with our lives.

Argh... I'm really sorry for letting my former oppa and best friend down... and not being able to understand until now. I must've created a lot of trouble for him...

We all move on with our lives, and it doesn't matter anymore - he may never forgive me, or hopefully he's forgotten. Just... I suddenly feel so ashamed of everything I had ever done. I wish it had been another lifetime ago, then I would've had an excuse but I can't help thinking that... another person would've been so disappointed in me if he had known too.