Saturday, March 22, 2014

Forty Acres Fest

I dragged R along with me to check out Forty Acres Fest, one of UT's traditions showcasing student organizations and such. It featured live music and a bunch of interesting booths.

Bra Pong! Throw a ball into a boob-holder and win a prize!

I thought this was cute too. Recycling for the win!

There was also a petting zoo with these fluffballs! And an iguana and a hedgehog, but I couldn't get a good picture of them.

R and I ended up eating samosas with ketchup. They were only $1 each.

Live music!

Overall, it was a nice day outside.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Debate Inside My Head

So I got accepted into University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill's Eshelman School of Pharmacy. And I absolutely loved the school, at least from what I saw of it when I went over to interview: it had a nice, down-to-earth Southern vibe, the latest distance-learning technologies, amazing research facilities and residency opportunities, a beautiful campus, brilliant students and professors, and a wonderful reputation as a pharmacy school, seeing as it's consistently ranked in the top three over the past couple of years.

It sounds really stupid and whiny, especially since I pride myself on being very self-reliant and ambitious, but I'm also a little scared of accepting their offer of admission. Part of the reason lies in just pharmacy school itself: it's a professional school, and the classes are much more rigorous. It seems like a challenge, and of course I have enough confidence in myself to be assured that I can rise to the occasion, but I'm scared of being proven wrong. What if the stress proves to be too much? What if I'm not one of those amazing undergraduate students who manage to come out alright? What if my lack of experience - in, well, anything really - completely screws me over? I'm only a sophomore. Everybody I had talked to at the interview either already had a degree under his/her belt or were going to graduate this upcoming May, and I saw from the official UNC website that only about 12% of accepted potentials were undergraduate students, which scared the bajeezus out of me, even if I won't admit it to my parents or anyone else really.

And then there's the issue of moving to another state and paying out-of-state tuition. I have to present proof that I want to stay in North Carolina in order to get the more reasonable in-state tuition, so that means I have to get a job or buy a house or... something. Maybe get a driver's license for that state..? I'm not sure. I just... I'm really going to miss Austin. I fell in love with it two years ago, and I'm settled so comfortably here. I already renewed my lease at the place I'm staying at right now too, since I hadn't entertained the possibility that I'd get accepted at UNC. Hell, I'll miss Riverside, even though I always complain about it. I'll miss my roommates and my high school friends and my FRI friends.

Of course, there's also R, who I'll probably miss like it's no one else's business. I would never relinquish such an opportunity for a boy anyway (and I know he'd never ask me to either, thank goodness), but it doesn't really make things easier. He thinks I'm wasting my potential by not pursuing medical school, but unfortunately, I also fell in love with the field of pharmacy a long time ago, starting with watching my grandmother hustle around her little clinical pharmacy, and further nurtured by UT's FRI program in which I worked with plants to produce pharmaceuticals. I never had the chance to try anything related with doctoring, so I'm not sure how I would feel about it.

My family is thrilled for me though. I know my parents were secretly half-hoping I'd get rejected from the only two pharmacy schools I applied to because I promised them I'd try for medical school if I couldn't get to pharmacy school by my sophomore year, but now my mom is practically flying over the moon, bragging to everyone that her daughter is saving her so much money by getting accepted relatively early. Anyway, it's all just a turmoil in my head. I'm so excited because I really do want to go to UNC, but then I have doubts and things I care about here holding me back...

Whatever. I'll get it all figured out. For now, here are some spring break pictures!

Eating dinner with my childhood friend and American sister!

With Mengqi-gege and his wife, me and my brother!

Eating at Kimchi in Dallas' Koreatown! Met up with B and L over the break^^

Sunday, March 9, 2014

A Shitty Person

And so I guess I am, in fact, a shitty person.

I was selfish and inconsiderate and oblivious and rude... I dunno. I hurt my best friend's feelings, and that really broke my heart last night because even though we constantly make fun of each other and are such "jerks" to each other (according to my friends), he really didn't warrant anything to make me act the way I do, and it's the worst because I really am not as stupid as I act sometimes, but I really let all the signs slip right through with this one and didn't notice how he might've felt betrayed or used.

He's a good one too, you know..? He's always been there for me whenever I needed emotional support, and I always thought I was the same type of prop, but then he had a really shitty week and I KNEW he did, and it astonished me how I didn't even reach out, like I hadn't even been aware.

And then of course, there's another thing going on in the side. I thought it was so right at first, mostly because I hadn't realized that R was still harboring feelings... which was silly. My other best friend, A, thought I was so stupid since apparently it was "very obvious" and just about everyone else knew but me. I guess there were signs, but I always attributed them to something else, like just a competitive spirit or pride.

I dunno, I'm just... so sad right now. Of course I love him (how could I not?!), but it's a very confusing sort of love, where most of the time he's the best friend and then sometimes he's a fwb/boyfriend type of thing. I see him doing something silly or quirky, and I just think affectionately to myself, "Oh, look, it's so R of him to do so - that's my R," but then he's not really my R, he's his own person and I can appreciate it without a label - because labels are so annoying, right? Especially in interpersonal relationships, right? There's expectations attached and it always hurts someone when you have to remove a label.

But labels are so necessary, and that's what I've learned, so I will never again engage in a casual relationship. It just... hurts, and it sucks because as a girl, you feel very "easy" and aware of how easy you feel, and it's just not classy at all, you don't want to be defined by something without a label. I'm too used to the structural world I live in anyway, so maybe that's just me, but I was resentful the whole time.

Anyway, I'm rambling... Just... I felt so sad consistently thinking about it, and then I realized that part of the reason why I'm so upset is still very selfish. Yes, it sucks knowing how R hurts and not knowing what I can say or do to make it better, but another reason I feel so bad is because I know he probably won't ever forgive me and I still want to keep him.

It really is a selfish thing to want, and I'm sort of ashamed of it... Of course, it's probably also very natural and human of me, to a degree, but I have always been more selfish than the average girl, and it's always served me well in other things like academic field while screwing me over in things like interpersonal relationships... Now I understand why I can't manage to stay friends with any of my ex's... haha. Then again, I never wanted to stay friends with someone once it was over, but this one might've been different because I fell in love with him.

But anyway, A warned me that even if he ever does forgive me, our friendship will be completely destroyed, and there's not really a way to salvage it, so the only thing I can do is learn from it. R himself also thinks that.

So for the past 24 hours I have been wavering because I know the right thing to do is to give him a lot of time and space, let him heal properly and move on, but then I miss him so much and I can't help wanting him to still love me. Which is ultimately even more selfish than the first option, since I know it'll probably all end up just backfiring and hurting him and me. He has commitment issues and I'm insecure, and then there's a huge chance that I'm going to a different school next semester, and so there's only the slightest chance that things would ever work out.

And so that is why I am such a shitty person...