Thursday, January 23, 2014


It's not like I have ever believed myself to be exceptionally pretty or something my whole life, but I always thought I was okay. And then I woke up a few weeks ago, looked in the mirror, and suddenly I wasn't.

One "ugly" day is fine, but then I just kept feeling repulsive throughout the days, and I think I can pinpoint what changed, and it makes me incredibly pathetic, so I won't. But what I think of my physical state has affected everything else in my lifestyle, and it's just so... ugh.

So I only started noticing and feeling worse about myself when school started - and isn't that how it always happens? Over winter break, you relax and don't see people. Nothing happens.

It first started with B, the old creep from forever ago, constantly messaging me on Skype throughout winter break. At one point, he called me while he was high, and I told him not to call me again and hung up. He then wrote out a whole flurry of insults towards my mom, my best friend, and of course, me. It doesn't bother me very much because he's slow and drugged-up all the time and I don't care what he thinks, but he's also an annoying pain in the ass. I just blocked him, problem solved.

But then I actually started feeling like I was "easy" and everything else he had said, due to another personal thing that I won't get into. And it also made me feel sick, like I was breaking promises or whatever, so I ended it. I don't know... but I was feeling pretty sick and ashamed of myself.

And school had started, and my old FIG invited me over to a house party. I meant it when I txted back saying that I "missed" them, but on the way over there, I suddenly realized I didn't want to see them... I was dressed nicely and everything, but I took a glance at myself in the mirror and felt disgusted. B (another B, my good friend B) tried to change my mind, but I was really close to crying and she was sweet enough to let me go. I went back on-campus to study, she gave me the details later, and I regretted not going, but that didn't stop me from refusing to go to the next house party L hosted.

N and B both wanted to catch up with me, and so they also kept inviting me to study with them (I love them... haha, they know the only way to get my attention), but for some reason, I couldn't do that either... I studied with B alone together, maybe because I'm super comfortable with her, but I hadn't seen N in so long and I missed her and sneaking into her dorm at early hours and our fun girl times together, and I turned down her offers twice - once with just her, another with her and B. Suddenly, I felt really bad and offered to hang out with them whenever they were free, and she said snarkily, "Maybe during finals week... if you're free then."

Knowing N, she's probably not actually angry at me, but that sounded a bit harsh.

I went with M to do ochem homework together after class, and she mostly seemed clueless and was saying, "I don't know," and I was getting frustrated because it seemed like I was doing all the work and she was just copying me, and so I stopped and told her I needed to go back home for something... She invited me out to eat with her and a few of our old Korean high school friends, but the thought of them seeing me made me feel even more sick, and so I just went back home and slept.

I realized then that I was a bit of an anti-social weirdo, which I've never really been before... I used to enjoy a lot of things that I'm now sort of indifferent to now, like fashion and reading books and meeting people and good food and pictures... And now, whenever my last class of the day ends, I just feel like going to bed and sleeping.

And small things seem to irritate me even more easily now. Yesterday, my best friend A and I were going to ochem, and we saw L on the way. We sat in a circle, comparing ochem homework and sharing crackers and goldfish, and M joined us shortly. It was nice and relaxing just talking to friends and laughing at stupid anecdotes, but then at one point, L was looking at me intently and I really wanted him to go away because I don't like being looked at... And then everything he did was annoying after that, and I just wanted him to leave, which was super unreasonable of me, especially since he's always been so kind to me.

At this rate, I'm probably going to lose all my friends, and I know it's my fault. It's not like I'm pushing them away for some teenage ansty drama, not like I'm testing our bond of friendship or whatever. I don't expect people to stay around for me unconditionally, and it's natural to move on, especially from someone who has such low self-esteem. When I'm feeling better about myself, I'll try to reach out again, and hopefully it'll all be okay.

It's just so... ugh. I feel like I'm at a low point right now, so of course it's only reasonable that I want to go up from here, right? And I'm trying to. It's just very confusing for me right now because a lot of changes are taking place in my head. Luckily, it's just a phase that will blow over. I just need to feel accomplished again.

But uh... yeah. I made my first start by becoming a PLUS preceptor, which was a competitive process that should look good on my resume and bring me closer to both my classmates and my professor. I've always been good at keeping focused and being patient with others.

^Anyway, this whole thing was tldr... In short: We've all been through feeling like a worthless piece of shit, but there's gotta be some hope at the end of the play.