I've taken the Melatonin 3 mg and I think I'm about ready to sleep, but there's some stuff going on in my head that won't let me rest peacefully and after five long days of eight-hour shifts as a pharmacy intern in a small, independent compounding-retail pharmacy, I really need this sleep.
I'm really scared of a lot of things right now, but it gets harder to talk about them with anyone, let alone an online blog. It's this whole professionalism vs. personal issue that's at stake here... On one hand, I want to release some of my anxiety, in a sort of selfish way, among my former peers back in Texas, but on the other hand, I worry that I'll just get myself in trouble or they might see me differently.
It's not like I'm doing anything seriously detrimental or remotely illegal (and if I were, I'd be very stupid to confess it online), but I feel like I've transformed into this whole other person that my old friends can't really like and maybe I can't even really like this new person I've become, yet I can't revert back to my old self. It's SAD - seasonal affective disorder. I had the same thing last year around the same time, I'm pretty sure, where I was reclusive all the time and uninterested in everything.
Anyway, a few days ago I told R that I didn't want to see him. It was probably the hardest and most selfless thing I'd ever done, but I'm not really proud of it because that meant I had to break a promise. At the same time though, I keep telling myself that it was well-justified, and that in the end, it would hurt much less. If I were really selfish, I would covet this visit and leave satisfied knowing that he wasn't over me, and that would be about it. I wouldn't think even further down the road about the people I could potentially hurt (him, me, his future significant others or my future significant others), and I would just be impulsive about things. I already feel so bad about the Austin visit... As ridiculous as it may sound, I'd rather leave the past behind. I loved those times so much, and I still do, even thinking back on it, but I don't ever want him to feel obliged or haunted by me, and I feel horrible about making someone else sad, especially if I care about them. I think it'll make the transition onwards much easier now, so we can move on. But then, doing what I did made me feel sick to the stomach, especially after I realized that he will probably never look at me the same way again. It always hurts, I guess. Losing the first person you ever really open yourself up to.
There's so many more losses to go through, I'm sure, and I'm still so young. I need to get used to this sort of stuff.
And then I also don't want to be particularly sad about things or make other people sad by telling them how life sucks, etc. I can't even tell A about this sort of thing, even though I used to always ask her for advice. It's such a Debbie Downer topic. I tell myself that she understands me, how lonely I feel most of the time, how much I miss her, but then she seems a little more preoccupied with work and her boyfriend, which I can also understand. We all have our own lives now. But I do wish that she could actually plan out a time to see me over winter break and not subjectively "hope" to see me. I'm the sort of person who needs concrete plans, otherwise I get convinced that it'll never go through, and after more than 10 years of friendship, I thought she'd understand.
It's so reassuring having S and B to talk to. I feel like they're my only two real friends from pharmacy school... In professional school, everyone seems to have their own life where it's hard to pencil in new people. Nobody really cares to make friends as much as they did in undergraduate, haha. Either way, I'm grateful for their presence, especially S who is always 100% supportive of me.
Okay, I think the Melatonin is really kicking in... It's been a long day. It's been a long week. Hell, it's just been a long year in general. I need a break, but I'm an idiot and I never have any idea what to do when I finally catch a break, so I went ahead and applied for jobs and ended up getting full shifts over this winter break. So that'll be fun. That's why I'm always stressed, haha. Ugh, I need to get over it.