Disturbed Peace

It's so strange how some people can stay so devoted to someone who does not deserve it...

When I was in elementary school, there was a boy named "E" who used to always follow me around. I guess you could say I was his first crush; he told all his friends about it, which was a big mistake because they spread it around, and everybody teased him about me.

I never claimed I was a good person... When I heard about this, I treated him very badly. I ignored him most of the time, I went out of my way to avoid him, etc. I was pretty brutal.

Luckily in middle school, he matured a little and wasn't so obvious. Before he moved away, we actually became friends, but then he transferred to a different school.

Anyway, I am bringing this all up because we did eventually see each other in high school - after four or five years. Just once, but I still wasn't so good to him...

But he still thinks of me fondly. There was a certain book series I loved; he has that book series on his shelf. The fish I gave all of my friends for Christmas - he kept it in his treasure box. Every Thanksgiving or Christmas, he wishes me a happy holiday.

Just now, he messaged me saying that I was the first girl he had ever loved... even with his other relationships in high school, he never felt the same way about any other girl...

I don't know why he randomly told me this either, we haven't talked in a while. And I also don't understand why he likes me so much when I have never done anything good to him, good for him. I am a little touched, but actually I'd rather him just hate me. Because I don't deserve this type of feeling. It is so troublesome...

I think he's an idiot, and I want to tell him that but I don't know how to. Why is he telling this to a girl who cannot (or is unwilling to) be a good person for him?

But... he was once my friend, and still is. I want to warn him to stay away from people like me... and also tell him that if he really wants to wait for me, it will be painful. There is no guarantee I will ever return his feelings. I never respected him before, and I probably won't ever.

I really do wish that I had the power to restore a feeling... or take it away...