And I torture myself

I was reading about the Vietnam War, and I fell asleep around 4 o'clock yesterday.

YH: You always told me that was a good school; that was the school you wanted me to go to. Why do you not want to go now?
Me: I don't know...
YH: Forget about what I can or cannot do. I think you should go.
Me: I don't think so, I will never see you again if I do...
YH: You would never see me anyway, xiao mei nv. What are you thinking?!

And he was so frustrated... I couldn't tell if he was angrier because I was forgetting him or angrier because I still remembered.

Then today I couldn't help it - I began reading our old emails. He was really a very good person to me...

Haha... I don't know why I do this to myself...

Tips for Success

I know that I'm not one of these amazing extraordinaires who are able to do absolutely everything perfectly, but I follow these rules generally and do pretty well in organizing and prioritizing what's important to me.

In order to be successful in school, work, and life (in general), here are a few general guidelines:

• Always take care of your hair, teeth, and skin. Regardless of whatever gender you are... these are the three traits you CAN control (to an extent, anyway), and people will always notice these. I admit, on lazy days I can hardly care less how I look... but on important days, always make sure to maintain yourself.
• Even when you are feeling like a mess, do not act like a mess. If you show how vulnerable you are to others, it's just a sign of weakness. You're going to end up losing most of your dignity. People may care and go over to coddle you - but honestly, is that the type of attention you really wanted? You have to stay strong in public, and continue to do so even when you're alone.
• Manage time well. Consider your schedule and homework when planning something else. Can you manage to do everything in one day? If not, plan to start on the important things a day before. And be realistic too. Ward procrastination off by starting on the project, whether it's through research or an introduction, that way you at least have an idea of what you're doing.
• Establish good connections with others. Don't get involved with potential enemies, and try to stay neutral in conflicts. You never know if one of your classmates has amazing connections outside of school! It doesn't harm you, you make friends, and you might get other opportunities.

Tada! That's all I can think of right now... If you have more, feel free to add on~

Sentiments and School

I cannot accomplish what I have set myself to do... I am feeling so sad right now because I have failed myself - and in doing so, I failed him... 这样过的真的是很丢脸的…… I thought that if I went far away, to a place close to his heart, I could find happiness... but I am just so distressed.

Whatever. I don't have waking time to lament what I have lost. I just got back from filming an antioxidant commercial and playing with the orchestra for Wolfpack Parent Night. I also got a 18/18 mark on my Chemistry design lab, which is nice since I worked quite hard on that. I am going to go all out for great scores on IB testing.

Lying

Jelly and I were talking about the ideal age for marriage, and then somehow I brought up YH. I don't know why I did... but then Jelly asked: "So do you still talk to him then?"

I almost choked when she asked me, because I had no clue how to respond. I just admitted that we hadn't talked in a while, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth... We had been joking around so light-heartedly, and I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere.

Still, that felt lousy :/ Especially when she said, "Oh, I'm sure you guys are both busy with school. You'll probably meet up again years from now."

BAH. I just... can't confide in people anymore. It's alright, I'd rather them not know anyway. I shouldn't have brought it up in the first place...

Eventful Day

1. Painted my nails into a "Sugar Coat" color
2. Dyed my hair from virgin black to dark ash blonde (in other words - still dark brown!!)
3. Played tennis with my favorite Jelly^^
4. Ate frozen yogurt with my favorite Jelly^^
5. Shopped around at Ulta and Plato's Closet with that same darn Jelly
6. Watched Slumdog Millionaire with Jelly~

LOL. Pretty fun day, I guess. Now on to something productive~!

I did NACLO invitational round today

In a sea of strangers you've longed to know me
Your life spent sailing to my shores
The arms that yearn to someday hold me
Will ache beneath the heavy oars

Please take your time and take it slowly
As all you do will run its course
And nothing else can take what only
Was always meant as solely yours
-Lang Leav

Dallas Arboretum and Botanical Garden

^Turned out so orange... -_-
 

My mom and this ayi were so excited about it, haha... To be honest, I could hardly be thrilled. But seeing them gush over the flowers and admire the landscape made me feel light-hearted and content too.

^^My weakness is that when I see the people I love in my life get happy, I am happy too. But when I know someone I love had been miserable or was in pain, I feel so terribly terribly guilty...

So I was thinking about how nice it would have been if everything had gone according to our original plan, and YH was in UTA and I was in UT after just graduating high school, and we'd meet up over spring break at this beautiful park in Dallas... and just walk and talk together. But that feeling kind of faded after a while, haha; nothing like being in the present to wake you up!!

Not that I mind though. There's a dreamlike quality when I think of past regrets and ambitions, so I'd rather not dwell on that.

Anyway, spring break has been quite nice. All of the IAs are over with, all that's left is testing!! I can't wait until college!!

Whoot!

So happy!!

1. My IB History Internal Assessment came back with a predicted score of 6~
2. My IB Spanish Internal Assessment came back with a predicted score of a 6 as well~
3. Today Spring Break begins!
4. My dad is back from Hong Kong!

I am so relieved... and happy... Hard work has paid off^^

What Remains

In each world they may put us
farther apart
do not die
as this world is made I might
live forever
-W.S. Merwin (1968)

Disturbed Peace

It's so strange how some people can stay so devoted to someone who does not deserve it...

When I was in elementary school, there was a boy named "E" who used to always follow me around. I guess you could say I was his first crush; he told all his friends about it, which was a big mistake because they spread it around, and everybody teased him about me.

I never claimed I was a good person... When I heard about this, I treated him very badly. I ignored him most of the time, I went out of my way to avoid him, etc. I was pretty brutal.

Luckily in middle school, he matured a little and wasn't so obvious. Before he moved away, we actually became friends, but then he transferred to a different school.

Anyway, I am bringing this all up because we did eventually see each other in high school - after four or five years. Just once, but I still wasn't so good to him...

But he still thinks of me fondly. There was a certain book series I loved; he has that book series on his shelf. The fish I gave all of my friends for Christmas - he kept it in his treasure box. Every Thanksgiving or Christmas, he wishes me a happy holiday.

Just now, he messaged me saying that I was the first girl he had ever loved... even with his other relationships in high school, he never felt the same way about any other girl...

I don't know why he randomly told me this either, we haven't talked in a while. And I also don't understand why he likes me so much when I have never done anything good to him, good for him. I am a little touched, but actually I'd rather him just hate me. Because I don't deserve this type of feeling. It is so troublesome...

I think he's an idiot, and I want to tell him that but I don't know how to. Why is he telling this to a girl who cannot (or is unwilling to) be a good person for him?

But... he was once my friend, and still is. I want to warn him to stay away from people like me... and also tell him that if he really wants to wait for me, it will be painful. There is no guarantee I will ever return his feelings. I never respected him before, and I probably won't ever.

I really do wish that I had the power to restore a feeling... or take it away...

So terribly sad

Last night was one of the toughest nights ever. My Chemistry project... UGH. I only managed to do about three-quarters, and it was midnight.

Around that time, I was just drifting away, convinced that I should give up. I didn't want to do it anymore, I was sick of it, I'd rather just fail. Haha, super melodramatic. Anyway, I fell asleep at my computer and had a little dream...

YH and I were laying in bed together (very innocently though!). We were just facing each other and talking.

Me: "I'm feeling so hopeless and tired... Gege, I can't seem to do anything right. We didn't get all I's in Orchestra UIL, I am no longer even one of the top chairs, I had to skip so many tennis tournaments and practices for orchestra too, I'm afraid I will be kicked out of Top Ten if I let my guard down even for a minute, I feel uncertain in my English... and I can't even finish up my Chemistry project on time, on top of everything. 对不起，让你很失望吧……"

He was very patient and kind. I was trembling and about to cry, and he just laid a hand on my cheek and told me that he was never disappointed in me. He said that I was amazing and outstanding and he couldn't understand how I did it all... He began listing out all my accomplishments and achievements and made me feel proud again, and I was remembering everything...

Then I woke up, and it was 4 o'clock in the morning. I began to work again, and finished up all the mechanisms.

I really do believe that this dream was sent to me by Guanyin. That, probably combined with an unusually high intake of sugar last night... haha. But because of it, I managed to do everything by the time it was all due.

I was in such a good mood today, at school, haha. I guess I still am, but a bit of sadness is mixed in too now... He was fading away from me, and I couldn't say a thing, not even a "thank you".