Chinese New Year

恭喜发财，红包拿来~

Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard... With them, everything is so effortless, I don't attempt to be very serious or mature and I'm relaxing rather than fussing over schoolwork... But never mind, I'm just being silly again^^

Failure Day

Jeez... I can't seem to get Chemistry class today out of my head. I know it's just a homework grade, but... it bothers me, that I thought I had understood it but really didn't. Almost all of my answers were wrong... I only found out as we were going through it...

I didn't know until my friend told me, but my ex-boyfriend was the one grading my paper. Not that it really matters, but for some reason, I felt so embarrassed... and a little disheartened. I didn't want anyone to witness the demise of my Chemistry grade...

I've always been so used to excelling at everything. Except maybe during sophomore and junior year, when I slacked - but even then I was considered one of the best students in easy classes like Spanish or English. What is wrong with me now...

Will Do, Will Do

I wonder... from the moment YH taught me Buddhist principles, I became a different person... Why did I feel so secure in my future afterwards? He had absolutely nothing. But he inspired in me a desire to improve myself, so I could match up to him.

I wish I could have told him that, but it's impossible. He was my partner-in-crime and mentor - how could I ruin that?

Sometimes... it would be so much easier to like somebody else... But I know myself... I like to use people, and I would be so ashamed if I ever used somebody to achieve something else...
Haha, I'm in a strange mood lately^^ I want to go back to Qingdao again, but I don't know how much it would change for me... Without the spirituality and the en, the mountains and the sea might not be so appealing anymore... The kindergarden might just make me sad instead.

At least I have my memories... My Qingdao plans might be ruined, and I may not get that internship for a sales assistant in Shanghai, and maybe I won't make it to Hong Kong University, but it doesn't matter, we will see each other again, I will continue to love the life he created for me.

Dream

Last night, I dreamed that YH and I were sitting in the school cafeteria... He was sitting across, just looking at me intently. I began talking, and he kept his eyes on me.

I guess it was a really simple dream at first, but then I began crying in the middle of the conversation and asked him what it was like.

Pathetic, just... absolutely pathetic. I've been reading too much about life and death and philosophy overall lately, maybe that's why.

Anyway, he just told me, "别急" and to not cry because it wasn't that big of a deal. He was just kind of looking at me with concern, his head slightly tilted...

I miss our old conversations about life and being able to meet his eyes like that.

Stereo Hearts and Ranking

I just found out I'm ranked 10 now. I let my guard slip, and now the guy who used to be behind me is now in front, which is rather embarrassing. Hmm... I don't like double digits. I preferred being called "Miss Ranking Number Nine" rather than "Miss Ranking Number Ten," as my lovely Korean friend Sw has coined me.

Anyway, it's getting me a little worried... I WANT A TOP TEN MEDAL WHEN WE GRADUATE. I don't want to be just one out of the top 10%; I want to be one of the very best. I can't let myself slip any further...

Unfortunately, my little health scare is preventing me from dealing with stress very well. My body doesn't seem to be functioning quite as well lately; I tend to feel very tired by the time it's lunchtime, and it aches everywhere. I hate it.

Regardless, I'm going to make sure I stay up there in the top ten.

Physics Pals

如果大海能够换回曾经的爱
就让我用一生等待
-大海，张雨生

So to celebrate the ending of our English IOC's, Jelly, Rudester, and I went to the local Korean supermarket - DUN DUN DUN. These are my absolute favorite Physics people, so it was a lot of fun. Especially as we made Rudester progressively gayer picture by picture. Ahh... that was awesome.


^Rudester: "I look... so gay."
Jelly: "No you don't... Not yet, anyway. Here, let me write in pink."


^I decorated this one^^ With Rudester's help. He's the one who wrote the scary-looking "light" under my face.

^Hehe^^

^BROS. GE MEN-ER. HERMANOS. HYUNGS. Boom, got it in three languages!

Anonymous Note

This is the note I found today in my pencil box in Math class:

"No matter what, be happy. There will always be someone that loves you."
It was unsigned, but I think I know who it is... And I am touched, even though that person is only repeating something I've always known.

I will have my family and friends who love me, no matter what. There is such thing as unconditional love, and though I am not particularly religious, I have never turned my back on Buddhism.

The virtues of patience and modesty are so appealing. My old mentor understand that the best... He was filled with integrity and knew how to live.

I have never been able to let go of him.

I am rarely ever as happy as I appear, especially in school or at home with my family. How can I be, when a part of me is gone? But to others, it won't matter. When you act happy, others are affected and have lighter spirits, and then you are cheered up as a result as well.

It doesn't matter that the effect is only temporary; after all, isn't that what we're all aiming for in this world? Just being content for the time being.

I am still in love with a person whom I will never see again in this lifetime. But I am also still very happy with my life, and I think that he would be happy for me too.

IB Chemistry Class

^This was taken on the day of Chemistry finals, before winter break. Our class is wearing our IB Nerdy tshirts that we loyal Chemists designed! I love this picture so much... We girls tricked the guys into staying turned around for the picture, hehe, while we made silly faces^^

I am so fond of my Chem. class, more than I can (or am willing to) say. We are a small team and we're still alive and kicking even after three years of studying the hardest subject.

Random moment of appreciation and precious memories. Now I'll go back to my usual studious self.