A Shitty Person

And so I guess I am, in fact, a shitty person.

I was selfish and inconsiderate and oblivious and rude... I dunno. I hurt my best friend's feelings, and that really broke my heart last night because even though we constantly make fun of each other and are such "jerks" to each other (according to my friends), he really didn't warrant anything to make me act the way I do, and it's the worst because I really am not as stupid as I act sometimes, but I really let all the signs slip right through with this one and didn't notice how he might've felt betrayed or used.

He's a good one too, you know..? He's always been there for me whenever I needed emotional support, and I always thought I was the same type of prop, but then he had a really shitty week and I KNEW he did, and it astonished me how I didn't even reach out, like I hadn't even been aware.

And then of course, there's another thing going on in the side. I thought it was so right at first, mostly because I hadn't realized that R was still harboring feelings... which was silly. My other best friend, A, thought I was so stupid since apparently it was "very obvious" and just about everyone else knew but me. I guess there were signs, but I always attributed them to something else, like just a competitive spirit or pride.

I dunno, I'm just... so sad right now. Of course I love him (how could I not?!), but it's a very confusing sort of love, where most of the time he's the best friend and then sometimes he's a fwb/boyfriend type of thing. I see him doing something silly or quirky, and I just think affectionately to myself, "Oh, look, it's so R of him to do so - that's my R," but then he's not really my R, he's his own person and I can appreciate it without a label - because labels are so annoying, right? Especially in interpersonal relationships, right? There's expectations attached and it always hurts someone when you have to remove a label.

But labels are so necessary, and that's what I've learned, so I will never again engage in a casual relationship. It just... hurts, and it sucks because as a girl, you feel very "easy" and aware of how easy you feel, and it's just not classy at all, you don't want to be defined by something without a label. I'm too used to the structural world I live in anyway, so maybe that's just me, but I was resentful the whole time.

Anyway, I'm rambling... Just... I felt so sad consistently thinking about it, and then I realized that part of the reason why I'm so upset is still very selfish. Yes, it sucks knowing how R hurts and not knowing what I can say or do to make it better, but another reason I feel so bad is because I know he probably won't ever forgive me and I still want to keep him.

It really is a selfish thing to want, and I'm sort of ashamed of it... Of course, it's probably also very natural and human of me, to a degree, but I have always been more selfish than the average girl, and it's always served me well in other things like academic field while screwing me over in things like interpersonal relationships... Now I understand why I can't manage to stay friends with any of my ex's... haha. Then again, I never wanted to stay friends with someone once it was over, but this one might've been different because I fell in love with him.

But anyway, A warned me that even if he ever does forgive me, our friendship will be completely destroyed, and there's not really a way to salvage it, so the only thing I can do is learn from it. R himself also thinks that.

So for the past 24 hours I have been wavering because I know the right thing to do is to give him a lot of time and space, let him heal properly and move on, but then I miss him so much and I can't help wanting him to still love me. Which is ultimately even more selfish than the first option, since I know it'll probably all end up just backfiring and hurting him and me. He has commitment issues and I'm insecure, and then there's a huge chance that I'm going to a different school next semester, and so there's only the slightest chance that things would ever work out.

And so that is why I am such a shitty person...