Umm So Yeah

It finally happened!! Very unexpectedly haha, but I appreciate it.

I've never had a non-creepy Chinese guy ask me out before. I've always assumed it was because I'm just too Americanized or too far from the ideal Chinese girl, and so I just always assumed I would never be with someone like me - an American-born Chinese, which is fine, because I don't really look at race anyway. I know my parents would want me to though, haha.

But uhh apparently speed dating really does wonders, haha. I got a swarm of texts coming in after Valentine's (okay, so that's an exaggeration, but I had a few text messages from guys who seemed to have probably copy-and-pasted the same generic message to the chicks who gave them their numbers), but there were two guys who actually personalized their text messages a little more and made the effort to reach out and let me know they remembered me, which I really appreciated.

I agreed to eat lunch with one of them, A, mostly just to thank him for putting in the effort and potentially make a new friend. Honestly, I didn't remember him by name, but the minute I saw him, I remembered as the nice smiling guy. He was super nice and easy to talk to but not really my type (I doubt I was his type too, haha).

The other guy was more of my "type," I think. I thought he was really cute at the time and was a little surprised to get a text from him. It was easy talking to him too (via texting anyway!), he seemed pretty smart, and we both agreed to hang out sometime next week.

Then today he asked me if I was free for lunch. Unfortunately, I was eating lunch with a couple of friends... I hope I didn't sound like I was just blowing him off :( I'm so bad at texting cues and arghh.

On the other hand, I got a pretty good grade in Organic Chemistry exam and a relatively good grade in Microbiology exam. As it turned out, the Microbiology grade distribution was pretty messed up... The majority of students had D's; there was only one A and four B's. I happened to get a B, so I guess I did alright compared to the other students... Still, it was pretty depressing.

And CVS Pharmacy might hire me... I have an interview coming up. I also have an interview for UNC's Pharmacy school, so I'm just super antsy right now. Well. Hopefully, it'll all be alright.

Valentine's Day is Sooo Overrated

HALLELUJAH. This week has passed, and I'm still alive and intact in one piece, amazingly. Due to the snow days, we had our Microbiology exam delayed... and it was rescheduled right before the Organic Chemistry exam and after we turn in the Microbiology lab report. Which was a complete halting moment for me.

1-2pm: Microbiology exam.
2-6pm: Microbiology lab (report due).
7-9pm: Organic Chemistry exam.

I can't even study for Ochem in between the two exam times because of friggin' lab.

After freaking out and wringing my hands and pulling out my hair for about 30 minutes, I played the Mulan song "Be a Man" and then promptly got down to work. M joined me for Tuesday and Wednesday study sessions. I talked to Dr. S during the PLUS preceptor meetings, and she wanted me to discuss the next exam topics at my PLUS session a day after the exam! I was really hesitant to, because I know nobody's going to show up all eager to learn after a huge exam, and luckily it got cancelled.

Still, the exam was killer though. I wasn't expecting it to be easy, since my senior preceptor had warned me that the class average for each midterm is always a 55-60 (and Dr. S is not generous when it comes to curves) and L from Communications had also warned us, but still... holy shit, I don't think I ever had such a hard biology exam before.

The Ochem exam was better. The subject itself is intense, but I feel like I have a pretty good intuition of where the electrons move since I've been doing chemistry for so long... Mechanistically, it all made sense in my head, as anything does if you practice it a lot.

I guess we'll just have to see about grades, but I'm just happy it's all over with. After the exam, I went out with M and A to eat at Teji's, the fairly new Indian restaurant down on the Drag... It's so good. The biriyani is a huge portion, and my dish was super good, with only a mild flavor of Indian spices (which I had requested because usually the flavors are wayyy too strong).

So anyway... after those exhausting three days in preparing lab reports (there's also the Pre-lab for Ochem, which takes forever since we work with fifteen different organic solvents and have to write MSDS information on them) and studying hardcore, I completely forgot about Valentine's day and my plans for it. I mean, what is Valentine's day compared to this? Haha.

I received two lovely crush-grams, a perfume sample, two candy chocolates, two candy-hearts boxes, and a valentine card from my bestie. Haha.

Holding up A's beautiful valentine card to me!

Working on Valentine cards with A and L after Ochem, haha.

So anyway, I'm working on an assignment in Communications with four other people (A's in this group), and one of the guys is a senior. So he came up to me last week after class and asked if we were in the same lab. We didn't, so he probably mixed someone up as me. But after that, he would talk to me after every class, and then a few days ago, he asked, "Do you have any plans for Valentine's?" That sort of question can come across as either very casual or very obvious, but in this case it legitimately seemed casual because we planned on spending Valentine's day finishing up our project together. Haha, it's just funny how in college, it no longer seems like a holiday but just the consumerist occasion that it is. But it's nice to send and receive crush-grams for free, thanks to UT.

I went to meet our new mentor at around 6. She brought pizza and salad, which was really awesome of her, and we sat and chatted about life in graduate school and plans for tonight, that sort of thing.

I went to the speed dating event later on, which took much longer than I thought it would, but I had a nice time. As always, there were some cute guys, some creeps, and then the nice, average people. I made a lot of friends though. It seems that most Pre-Pharmacists are Asian girls!

All in all, it was a great day. Ultimately forgettable that this is a day for love... Until next time!

Things Are Looking Up

So... update time!

On working out:
I started training for a 10K run with B and N about a week ago! (And yes, I finally got around to not being antisocial anymore and studied/ate out with N. We've clarified that she misses me and my strange quirks, and I miss her and her tough love.) N is now my personal trainer and B is my running partner, which is fucking awesome. Love the arrangement!



On academic ambitions:
Secured an interview to University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill! My neighbors (or, as I like to call them, my "American parents") gave me the phone number of an alumna, and so last night I called her to ask for some pointers on standing out during the interview process, and she was so very helpful. She even offered to write a recommendation letter for me, which was an offer I really appreciated but couldn't accept, since the deadline had already passed and she didn't really know me personally yet. But she was very sweet, and talking to her really made me more at ease.

I also talked to J, one of my brother's old friends, who recently had an interview with University of Texas at Austin's pharmacy school... He gave me great advice as well but was super surprised at the fact that I even applied to pharmacy schools this year, and for a moment that annoyed me because I thought he thought I was weird, but my brother later reassured me that he was just impressed. Haha. Maybe I'm still more self-conscious than I think I am.




On study groups:
So PLUS is looking pretty good right now... Last week, we had our first meeting, and our study group size was just right. I was scared we'd be overwhelmed, but then also worried we wouldn't have anyone show up... But five people, including me and my partner, seems to be just right! We were super productive, and I was very happy because these were three people I had always talked to casually as classmates, but we ended up becoming pretty good friends by the end of the session.

I also like my partner. He's in Plan II Honors, Pre-med, and the professor likes him. It makes it easier for me to pass over questions to him, so he can ask the professor without getting a glare in response.

I also like being sort of an authority figure. I mean, as a PLUS preceptor, you don't really have authority, but you have some power through the connection to the professor and access to extra information and practice problems. It's nice feeling valuable and getting just a little bit ahead of the class.


On crushing hard:
It's a little ridiculous how pathetic I am... So I've been coming into lab almost every day to "check" on my bacteria even though he's reassured me it's growing very well, going to every one of his office hours (twice a week!), and just talking to him about the subject he's teaching even though honestly, I'm not that passionate about it... He must think I'm a really motivated student for doing that, but I always feel ridiculous during our actual lab times, when I still can't properly examine the bacteria through the microscope because in its odd, parfocal way, it takes forever to get it adjusted just right. And then I get really nervous if he's watching my table, but a little distressed if he's not... I guess these are the classic symptoms of a crush.

I don't know how I can be any more disappointed in myself, haha. I wish I could have a crush on someone who is more attainable, but... eh. I always did have a thing for mentor figures and older guys.

On things I need:
First of all, I love being busy, but this week is going to suck. I'm going bowling tonight to relieve some stress, after finishing up my lab report and studying ochem of course.

Second of all, I need some formal clothes for the interview. I do want to look professional and nice, and it'll be great.

I also need to stop writing and get back to work.

tldr;; I'm in love with me again and am feeling hope for the future... just goes to show that even as some opportunities fade away, others open up! Even if you get a rejection letter from your dream school, you might get an interview from an even better school!

tldr;;

It's not like I have ever believed myself to be exceptionally pretty or something my whole life, but I always thought I was okay. And then I woke up a few weeks ago, looked in the mirror, and suddenly I wasn't.

One "ugly" day is fine, but then I just kept feeling repulsive throughout the days, and I think I can pinpoint what changed, and it makes me incredibly pathetic, so I won't. But what I think of my physical state has affected everything else in my lifestyle, and it's just so... ugh.

So I only started noticing and feeling worse about myself when school started - and isn't that how it always happens? Over winter break, you relax and don't see people. Nothing happens.

It first started with B, the old creep from forever ago, constantly messaging me on Skype throughout winter break. At one point, he called me while he was high, and I told him not to call me again and hung up. He then wrote out a whole flurry of insults towards my mom, my best friend, and of course, me. It doesn't bother me very much because he's slow and drugged-up all the time and I don't care what he thinks, but he's also an annoying pain in the ass. I just blocked him, problem solved.

But then I actually started feeling like I was "easy" and everything else he had said, due to another personal thing that I won't get into. And it also made me feel sick, like I was breaking promises or whatever, so I ended it. I don't know... but I was feeling pretty sick and ashamed of myself.

And school had started, and my old FIG invited me over to a house party. I meant it when I txted back saying that I "missed" them, but on the way over there, I suddenly realized I didn't want to see them... I was dressed nicely and everything, but I took a glance at myself in the mirror and felt disgusted. B (another B, my good friend B) tried to change my mind, but I was really close to crying and she was sweet enough to let me go. I went back on-campus to study, she gave me the details later, and I regretted not going, but that didn't stop me from refusing to go to the next house party L hosted.

N and B both wanted to catch up with me, and so they also kept inviting me to study with them (I love them... haha, they know the only way to get my attention), but for some reason, I couldn't do that either... I studied with B alone together, maybe because I'm super comfortable with her, but I hadn't seen N in so long and I missed her and sneaking into her dorm at early hours and our fun girl times together, and I turned down her offers twice - once with just her, another with her and B. Suddenly, I felt really bad and offered to hang out with them whenever they were free, and she said snarkily, "Maybe during finals week... if you're free then."

Knowing N, she's probably not actually angry at me, but that sounded a bit harsh.

I went with M to do ochem homework together after class, and she mostly seemed clueless and was saying, "I don't know," and I was getting frustrated because it seemed like I was doing all the work and she was just copying me, and so I stopped and told her I needed to go back home for something... She invited me out to eat with her and a few of our old Korean high school friends, but the thought of them seeing me made me feel even more sick, and so I just went back home and slept.

I realized then that I was a bit of an anti-social weirdo, which I've never really been before... I used to enjoy a lot of things that I'm now sort of indifferent to now, like fashion and reading books and meeting people and good food and pictures... And now, whenever my last class of the day ends, I just feel like going to bed and sleeping.

And small things seem to irritate me even more easily now. Yesterday, my best friend A and I were going to ochem, and we saw L on the way. We sat in a circle, comparing ochem homework and sharing crackers and goldfish, and M joined us shortly. It was nice and relaxing just talking to friends and laughing at stupid anecdotes, but then at one point, L was looking at me intently and I really wanted him to go away because I don't like being looked at... And then everything he did was annoying after that, and I just wanted him to leave, which was super unreasonable of me, especially since he's always been so kind to me.

At this rate, I'm probably going to lose all my friends, and I know it's my fault. It's not like I'm pushing them away for some teenage ansty drama, not like I'm testing our bond of friendship or whatever. I don't expect people to stay around for me unconditionally, and it's natural to move on, especially from someone who has such low self-esteem. When I'm feeling better about myself, I'll try to reach out again, and hopefully it'll all be okay.

It's just so... ugh. I feel like I'm at a low point right now, so of course it's only reasonable that I want to go up from here, right? And I'm trying to. It's just very confusing for me right now because a lot of changes are taking place in my head. Luckily, it's just a phase that will blow over. I just need to feel accomplished again.

But uh... yeah. I made my first start by becoming a PLUS preceptor, which was a competitive process that should look good on my resume and bring me closer to both my classmates and my professor. I've always been good at keeping focused and being patient with others.

^Anyway, this whole thing was tldr... In short: We've all been through feeling like a worthless piece of shit, but there's gotta be some hope at the end of the play.

"Crime and Punishment" by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (1866)

 

Raskolnikov, an impoverished student living in the St. Petersburg of the tsars, is determined to overreach his humanity and assert his untrammeled individual will. When he commits an act of murder and theft, he sets into motion a story that, for its excruciating suspense, its atmospheric vividness, and its depth of characterization and vision is almost unequaled in the literatures of the world. The best known of Dostoevsky’s masterpieces, Crime and Punishment can bear any amount of rereading without losing a drop of its power over our imaginations.

Dostoevsky’s drama of sin, guilt, and redemption transforms the sordid story of an old woman’s murder into the nineteenth century’s profoundest and most compelling philosophical novel.

Award-winning translators Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky render this elusive and wildly innovative novel with an energy, suppleness, and range of voice that do full justice to the genius of its creator.

This is one of my favorite classics ever; I watched the 2002 BBC version recently and was suddenly inspired to re-read the book again. Although I've always liked the book since the first time I read it, the story and the characters never cease to strike me as brilliant and I always notice something new each time.

• This book is amazing. It's a psychological drama that goes fairly deeply into the philosophy of nihilism, expounds upon the nature of man and his morality, and gives us a glimpse of Russian culture and history. Reading the characters and the different viewpoints they present towards the relationship between crime and punishment was a lot of fun for me, and I felt that Dostoyevsky must have been very proud of this masterpiece.
• The dynamic differences between the characters are extremely relevant to the story - each acts as a foil, in some way, to the main character, Raskolnikov. I absolutely loved how each contributed his or her part in the story, whether it's with Dunya's integrity, Sonya's selflessness, Razumikhin's openness, Luzhin's pretentiousness, or even Svidrigailov's sinister ambiguity.
• Raskolnikov himself is an intriguing main character, and his descent into a guilt (and eventual redemption) brings to the audience a whirlwind of emotions and understanding in the cluttered city of St. Petersburg. He is portrayed as brilliant but extremely prideful and wrong on many accounts, particularly on his "extraordinary vs. ordinary" theory, which is an important part of the book, and the way the author brings this out with symbolism, juxtaposition, and religious allusions is brilliant.
• The pacing and structure of the story also struck me as particularly interesting. The crime itself only takes up a few chapters, and the punishment resonates deeply throughout the rest of the book. It's also strange to think that all these turmoils and coincidences occur within the matter of a few days, and my sense of time gets very muddled and skewed when I'm reading the book because some of the developments seem to happen so quickly... The fact that Raskolnikov is ill and delirious throughout parts of the book doesn't make things easier (for example, he sleeps for four days after killing the old lady).
• The character interactions are great. The "cat and mouse" chase, for instance, between the investigator Porfiry and Raskolnikov, is very suspenseful and clever. Marmeladov and his wife are both heavily flawed and unaware of the ironies in their own observations. Luzhin's pompous language, the contrast between Sonya's meek nature and base occupation, and Svidrigailov's contradictory impressions give the audience more to mull about.
• My guess is that some people would criticize the epilogue because it doesn't quite match up with the style and pacing of the story. It features a flash-forward in time, and updates on how the major characters are doing. But I thought it was a suitable ending; the book would be good with or without it, I think. The epilogue is essential in reaching the final catharsis and enabling the audience to understand Raskolnikov's real redemption, whereas the chapter before that concludes on a very dramatic note, for the action that we all knew was coming. The epilogue is definitely much more sentimental, but not mawkishly so, and I felt like it was good to keep it in there.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars!

Teavana's Wild Orange Blossom Herbal Tea Review

 

Florida is calling with a sweetly soft combination of citrus paired with beautiful sunshiny flower blossoms, creating an orchard of flavor. A tribute to the plentiful citrus groves along the Indian River, this bright favorite blends orange slices and pretty rose petals.

Refreshing orange infusion with light floral undertones.

Price: $6.98 per 2 oz/$3.49 per oz
Preparations: 1.5 tsp, 208 degrees F, 5-6 min.

• The hue is a very pretty dark pink/light red... The color and the citrus smell made me associate it more with grapefruit.
• The lovely thing about herbal teas is that you can steep it for as long as you want, and the tea leaves don't release an astringent taste. In fact, this tea only has a stronger citrus flavor if you accidentally leave the tea leaves in for longer than 5 minutes, which I really like, so I've been deliberately leaving the tea leaves in the pot.
• The tea leaves smell really nice too, if you like fruity and sweet smells.
• The tea, however, isn't as sweet as it smells. I don't add any sugar since I don't particularly like sweet tea, but if you do, you may have to add one or two spoonfuls.
• If you pour the tea out a little before its full recommended steeping time (at about 3 minutes), you can definitely taste the light floral undertones. Otherwise, it'll be almost completely concealed by the orange flavor. I happen to enjoy the citrus flavor more than the floral flavor, so I steep the tea longer, but this is for if you prefer a lighter, more subtle flavor.
• It's great as a sweetened iced tea!

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars!

Happy Holidays!

Apparently we're going skiing with our dear childhood friends! This will be an awesome winter break. Hopefully I can return to Austin earlier too and pick up a job as a pharmacy technician, in case I get that interview for pharmacy school.

In the meantime... I'm going to just relax and watch a crapload of movies and read a crapload of books! Merry Christmas, everybody, and have a happy new year!

Oh, how I've missed Singapore Rice Noodles!! Thank god for Dallas and being home again...

Manicure Monday and Finals Week

 Waffle Wednesday from last week! Yum!!

I made myself a huge plate of pasta :( It ended up being way too much so I ate it for both lunch and dinner haha. So good though! I love bell peppers and mushrooms, I think next time I'll try putting some salmon in it too!

Went to The Domain with my two besties, A and M! We ended up spending the rest of A's extra $12 gift card, awesome day.

At California Pizza Kitchen! (Which has great service at the Domain, I'd highly recommend it! Last time, our pizza was slightly burnt at the bottom, and not only did they not charge us for it, they baked us a whole other batch! Great people there, that's why I always try to come back and support them.)

 This nail polish was only $1. I got it from Dallas's local Korea-town during Black Friday. I'm in love with it right now. The brush and formula is awesome, and the color is so elegant. I only applied one thick coat (if you apply thinly, it may come across as a little streaky), and as you can see, the tips are a little opaque, but other than that, it covers quite well!

S.he Makeup's Pearl Natural! I think this would look amazing on darker skin tones too!