20th Birthday

It's weird finally being 20 years-old. I guess. Or actually, I don't know. It really doesn't feel any different from being 19 years-old, or even 18, I suppose. And that's how time gets you. It slips by in such a way that you don't even notice you're old until you are.

I don't believe I'm scared of getting old any more than I'm scared of death, but I'm scared that I'll age extremely ungracefully, with a lot of issues, both psychological and physical. I don't ever want to have loose folds of skin or have dementia. I'd like to be small, sweet, and petite even as I grow up. Hopefully I'll stay fairly attractive too and will have accomplished some great things. I'd like to have a loving husband without a trail of sticky divorces, bring in a steady flow of money with a job I can respect, and be able to travel the world.

I spent the first half of my birthday feeling extremely touched by the messages I received from close friends and family. In lab, J overheard something that made him realize it was my birthday, and he passed the word to K, L, and M. That was how I ended up with a banana, half a sandwich, and a cupcake - I'm sure they all pitied me and were half-amused that I was still naive enough to care about getting older. Still, the gesture was very sweet, and I was glad to have made some new friends in Austin.

R was extremely sweet to me and had bought an incredibly thoughtful gift. It was a lovely, sun-shaped necklace from a Texan brand. I had the most peculiar feeling when I opened up the case - it was such a nice necklace, and for a second, I felt almost as if I betrayed myself. I've been trying to remain so markedly unsentimental about leaving behind something that means a lot to me, but now I'm reminded every time I see it that somebody once loved and cared about me so much.

It's sort of hard. But at the same time, I'm so happy in this relationship... I don't want to forget things, I just don't want to be pathetic about my resolve to leave, you know? It's a difficult thing to think about, especially when you're young and uncertain about things... I don't know. I can't really talk about it just yet, and maybe I won't ever be able to, but I'm grateful for being with him for now.

We ate dinner together at California Pizza Kitchen, watched the bats at Congress Avenue Bridge (totally a weird idea, but it was my weird idea), and had ice cream. It was a wonderful day, and I got a good reminder that no matter how stressed out I am, I should always make time for the people and things I love.

A Typical Friday Night

My mom called to tell me she was coming back from NC - but just where the hell am I going to live in Austin for the last two weeks of summer school, how am I going to make my way towards orientation when my finals (for those prereqs to get into pharm school, ironically) are supposed to be on the same week, and would I be comfortable living in a huge apartment with two girls and a guy?

Nothing was quite working out the way I wanted it to, and I was already feeling really tired and stressed, especially since the week before I had just resolved a huge annoying dilemma (asked special permission from the professor and advising office to switch Bio lab out from session 1 to session 2 so I can make it to that class without becoming late to all my other classes in turn). So right there, on the phone with my mom, I began hyperventilating.

I love her though, she's a great mom. She told me to just slow down and breathe deeply (which is not as easy as one might think, especially when your chest hurts and you're shaking and can't control your breathing, so that sort of annoyed me), but then she said:

"Hey, the whole housing situation in North Carolina, I'll deal with it. You, just focus on your studies, and don't stress out too much, okay?"

I really owe her one. I feel so alone in everything right now, and it really sucks because everything else is sort of weighing me down. Nothing seems to be fitting in my schedule, you know? The timing is just wrong.

I spent my Friday switching between feeling sick and lonely and desperate and crying, which is really pathetic, to studying stoically. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I had a sequential panic attack later on that night, triggered by my thoughts and not anything anybody said, and it was worse because when you're done with the first one, you already feel so drained and tired, but then you feel the second one coming on and you think to yourself, "Oh no, you can't let this happen, no, no," and then it happens. And the second one is usually harder to control. The whole thing took about 30 minutes before I stopped shaking and my chest stopped hurting and I could breathe properly again, but the recovery time took much longer. I don't know how others recover, and I wish I knew an easy way. All I can do is hold myself together and cry like a child, and it feels so pathetic.

I ended up calling R while crying during recovery time, and he was comforting, in a possibly humoring me sort of way, but still, it was nice. I haven't been able to hang out with him a lot because my schedule is so horrible, and every time I've seen him this week, it always concerns my Physics homework. So I was really grateful for that.

After we hung up, I then spent the rest of my Friday drinking the remainder of my roommate's vodka out on the patio and feeling so alone. It's funny how I used to laugh about her doing that - I always thought of drinking as a social activity, not as something to do on your own. Maybe it's because I miss them - my roommates, I mean. After a long day at school, I would come home to find D sitting on the couch, watching Big Bang Theory. I'd come and join her and we'd chat and laugh a little bit during the commercial breaks, and then Y would call to order pizza and come sit with us, and it was nice having support at home, not quite like a family, but a good substitute. But now I have no one to vent to. All of my closest friends are in Dallas or Korea or India, and in any case, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer and ruin their vacation time.

And I'm also so scared of being a whiny, clingy, needy little thing, just another one of life's burdens, and worse is the thought that I can't do what I thought I could do.

I feel depressed and miserable, and I can't tell anyone about it. I want to, but then it's also so embarrassing. They all think of me as the go-getter, the one who applies for everything and gets everything done with efficiently, but right now I'm just a mess and my motivational energy is at an all-time low. All I can do is vent in my blog, and feel a little better about how irrational my thoughts are.

(Wow, angst much? I think I'm going to stop right here. It already sounds ridiculous.)

I have support. My family and friends love me. I'll just have to stop thinking depressing thoughts and bite the bullet. In the end, it'll all be worth it.

Little Bits of Crazy

It really sucks because recently, I've been getting panic attacks again, one or two times every week. Before that, I haven't had a panic attack since I was maybe 16 years-old, and so I went ahead and consulted Google to find out how I could minimize this frequency.

It turns out they're usually caused by major transitional life changes, stress (perhaps a shit load of summer classes and preparing for pharmacy school..?), and are maintained by a person with a temperament "more susceptible to stress." So naturally, I guess who I am makes me more vulnerable to panic attacks then, if those episodes are really what they are.

And if you've never had a panic attack before, consider it a blessing. They're really awful... You sound awful and irrational, even to yourself, and then you feel like there's absolutely no hope for whatever it is that triggered the reaction, and your chest hurts and you can't breathe properly and you can't get away because gosh, how do you escape your own body?

Anyway, I looked up other solutions, and here's what I plan to do now:

• Take in less caffeine. Apparently, substances with a lot of caffeine can trigger panic attacks, so I should probably lay off the coffee.
• Avoid alcohol. I've been drinking a little more recently (not outside my house, of course), just because it's so accessible now. But it makes me even more depressed now, so I'll stop.
• Get more sleep. I think I'd be a lot more productive if I maybe slept for more than five hours. I used to be really good about sleeping, but now it's all out of whack and I feel so unmotivated.
• Exercise. I'm thinking of taking up running again, since it used to always cheer me up. I'll clear up some time over the weekend.

I'm so glad that panic attacks are more common than I thought they were... I really thought I was just composed of little bits of crazy, you know? Because wow, it's not really a big deal, so what, I'm taking on a little more stress than I usually do, and my thoracic cavity goes into full-on freak out mode.

But I think it's just a temporary thing due to some minor lifestyle changes, and maybe I can get it fixed. Until next time!

A List of Things That Define Me

The topic was "Who Are You?" but I felt like that angle was sort of cliche and way too boring. Although a list probably isn't the most practical format to define something, I thought that it would do a better job of conveying my personal characteristics better. (The idea was conceived while grouping body parts in different lists for Anatomy class.)

• Perfectly round money ears
• Virgin black hair
• A love for thought-provoking books and documentaries
• Cold heart (according to my mom)
• Hard head (according to my dad)
• Existentialist philosophy
• Buddhist lifestyle
• "Early bird catches the worm" attitude
• Permanently awkward skitterish-ness
• Constant "anxiarrhea" (characterized by a tendency to feel sick and fill my ass up with worries)
• A miserly temperament
• High expectations and crushing disappointments
• Strange and sudden obsessions
• Petite frame
• Truck loads of restless ambition and misguided pride
• An aversion to being looked at while eating
• Independent, strong sassy woman who "don't need no man"

Every now and then, I get these typical girl insecurities or interpersonal relationship problems or doubts about myself, but I feel like everyone hits these small little bumps down the road anyway, and in any case, those don't really define people. Maybe the big things do though, like the death of somebody I really looked up to or the decision to pursue pharmacy school.

Summer Break

It's been super relaxing so far in Dallas. I love my family so much, and it's so easy to forget that special connection you'll always have with your immediate family when you're away from home for so long. Whether I'm watching a Star Trek marathon with my brother or playing golf with my dad or shopping with my mom, I really appreciate every minute I spend with them. My parents are always really busy and don't have a lot of time either, so it's nice that they took a few days off just to spend time with me and my brother.

 My mother surprised me by losing 6-10 lbs from the last time I saw her! Apparently, A's mom has been giving her a lot of vegan tips and such. She's super happy and has been taking better care of herself, so I'm really happy and proud for her too. She looks great.

Goofing off with my brother, who's finally starting to adjust to life in Aggieland. We watched a bunch of superhero movies together too!

I hadn't eaten Paciugo in so long... Probably my favorite ice cream place^^ This is at one of the nicer malls in Plano!

I'm back in Austin right now, and I'm enjoying quality time with my roommate, my best friend, my boyfriend, and myself, of course. Yesterday, I had a grocery shopping date with the bestie at Hong Kong Supermarket - she ended up buying sweets and snacks, and I bought a Black Sesame Hair Treatment, just to try it out. Although some people find the smell of Chinese medicinal herbs off-putting, I've always enjoyed the smell of ginger and sesame and such. In my opinion, it's rejuvenating.

Afterwards, I had hamburgers and homemade ice cream with R and his family. The chocolate ice cream came out sooo well - a perfect soft, creamy texture in between grocery ice cream and milkshake. The trails were really cool too.

Such a pretty dog! Mixed German Shepherd with Golden Retriever. She looks quite a bit like my Daisy too, who is a mixed German Shepherd with Shiba Inu.

^Daisy!

Hippie Hollow

So my best friend and I decided to drive down to Hippie Hollow and take a look around. It was a far drive out, but so worth it! I never realized how diverse Austin landscape can be.

We saw the weirdest squirrel ever! A mountain squirrel maybe..?

The lake area!

Oh gosh, this duck touched my foot with its beak!! I guess it was curious or just blessing me.

Picnic at Mount Bonnell

I had a wonderful time Saturday morning, hiking up the so-called "mountain" (which was, in all actuality, just a very big hill) with my boyfriend, R, my best friend, A, my high school underclassman, S, and my FIG friend, L!

Before the climb!!

With the bestie at the viewing platform! :)

Later, R tries to hide from the camera in what appears to be an attempt at strangling me.

Setting up food for the picnic!

R demonstrating that he indeed knows how to use chopsticks... by force-feeding me a cookie.

Me and my friend L!

 Beautiful day~ wasn't too hot either!

Just your typical group of college students sitting over the edge of a cliff, enjoying the view over expensive houses in Austin...

I was thrilled about the potluck-style picnic too. Everybody brought something! A brought Sprite, cups, and popcorn; L brought cookies; S brought forks and spoons, chocolate brownies, some Indian potato dessert; R brought plates, cups, sandwich materials (roast beef or honey ham), chips and salsa; and I brought chopsticks, napkins and paper towels, Polish sausages, and sparkling non-alcoholic white grape beverage. We had ourselves a merry feast^^

"The Tenant of Wildfell Hall" by Anne Bronte (1848)

 

 The Tenant of Wildfell Hall is a powerful and sometimes violent novel of expectation, love, oppression, sin, religion and betrayal. It portrays the disintegration of the marriage of Helen Huntingdon, the mysterious tenant of the title, and her dissolute, alcoholic husband. Defying convention, Helen leaves her husband to protect their young son from his father's influence, and owns her own living as an artist. Whilst in hiding at Wildfell Hall, she encounters Gilbert Markham, who falls in love with her.

On its first publication in 1848, Anne Bronte's second novel was criticized for being "coarse" and "brutal." The Tenant of Wildfell Hall challenges the social conventions of the early nineteenth century in a strong defense of women's rights in the face of psychological abuse from their husbands. Anne Bronte's style is bold, naturalistic and passionate, and this novel, which her sister Charlotte considered "an entire mistake," has earned her a position in English literature in her own right.

So I began reading this because I've read Charlotte Bronte's "Jane Eyre" and Emily Bronte's "Wuthering Heights" when I was younger and was curious about the third sister. This book seemed a little more interesting than "Agnes Grey" (which I will probably get around to eventually too), and so I went ahead and downloaded the free Kindle version. Here are my thoughts.

• This was a very creative format for a Victorian-era book. The entire narrative is read through a series of letters or diary entries, which gives you a very keen perspective on the feelings, thoughts, and reactions of the main characters.
• Gilbert, the narrator, does not seem like your typical Byronic hero, which is insanely refreshing. He jumps to conclusions too quickly, acts rashly and violently when enraged, and constantly has doubtful and immoral thoughts. It's great - I like the way his character undergoes a change for the better throughout the story, and his jealousy and doubts are very relatable.
• Helen is one of the best female characters ever conceived, I believe. She appears very cold, but is actually very practical and has had terrible experience with love and marriage before. I am fond of female characters that are very strong but don't come off as bitchy or pushy. Helen shows her strength through self-sufficiency, which can be seen through her unwillingness to owe Gilbert money and other small details like so. I didn't agree with her attitude towards raising her son, admittedly because it seemed unnecessarily harsh towards the male gender, but it's understandable why she thinks the way she does. She is witty and resourceful and always thinks ahead, making her very likeable.
• Bronte's depiction of alcoholism and infidelity is brutal. I absolutely loved it, how the book showed the dissolution of what seemed like a picture-perfect wedding, and how feelings are crushed as reality settles in. Expectations are constantly being lowered until both partners are unhappy; psychological abuse takes place; shit happens. It's sort of fantastic in that way, because you really feel for all of the characters. Except Helen's husband, who is such a dick, and the woman he was cheating on Helen for.
• Religion is also a very interesting theme throughout the book. Helen is good mostly because she is "Christian"; her husband wonders aloud whether or not God will accept him as he is dying. It's all very interesting, especially when tied up with the town's gossip.
• The ending gets really sentimental, mostly because you can really "feel" the struggle. Waiting for someone is always really hard, and I imagine it's even worse back then, before you had technological means to reach out to someone within a matter of seconds.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars!